It's Going to be Okay...

I found a painting yesterday that reminded me of when I first officially started my divorce process. The painting says "Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself".  Of course I bought it and hung it in a spot easily seen upon entering my home.  It brought to mind another mantra I use ..."True love begins the moment you decide you are worth loving".

At the beginning of my divorce, I was nervous, unsure, down right scared about how my and my kids lives would be affected.  I thought about how our emotional, financial, mental health would change; I thought about if I was doing the right thing, how I would feel about it afterwards, how it would be to be on my own...for the first time....EVER.  You see, I joined the Air Force a year out of high school and married before ever living without the safety net of the military below me.  So making this move would put me in a situation I'd never experienced before.

Amazingly, once the divorce was in action, something strange happened.  I felt ...light.  I felt free to be who I am without restrictions or judgement.  I felt brand new.  But it wasn't until after I took the action needed to "prove" to myself I was worth loving!  And to move forward I had to believe that wholeheartedly.  Believe me, it took a little while to get to it but when I did, oh boy!!
    
WHEN YOU LOVE YOURSELF, you won't allow anyone else to NOT love you the right way!  You won't let anyone use, abuse or treat you badly.  I've never been a victim of physical abuse but can you imagine sitting idly by watching another person hurt someone you love!?  You couldn't do it and the same applies to when you love yourself.  When you truly love yourself, you won't allow ANYONE to mistreat you.

There are some who use "understanding" and "godliness" as excuses to stay in a relationship, be it a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a relationship with who we call our "associates".  In reality, it's plain and simple fear. We let people tell us how "strong" or "amazing" we are but deep down in the depths of our hearts, we know it's F.E.A.R. We're always claiming faith but we stay stuck by the fear of moving on and beyond what we can see.  We start on the "what ifs", making excuses about how the other person may feel, and all the other doubts we place in our minds.  Thinking no one else will love us when all we need is what we already have inside of us to love ourselves and knowing the rest will follow... Knowing it's going to be alright.


*DISCLAIMER:  This is NOT to say divorce is always "the answer"!!  I honestly feel if you can work on and BOTH of you are invested in your marriage, by ALL MEANS you should work to no ends to save your relationship!  Marriage can be hard work at times and giving up should not be an option when both of you want to save it!

If you need to talk, you can find me at:
www.facebook.com/rhrnlifecoaching

But I ...am That Spider...

As I'm sure many others are doing, I've been really thinking about the unfair and unjust handling of the Philando Castile case....the young black man who was shot several times by a white officer, while in the passenger seat of his car with his family, complying and doing all the things they say is right when stopped.  I think this case has brought it all into perspective for me.  America and maybe the rest of the world, are innately afraid of black people; they feel we are less than human and should be feared. Point. Blank. Period.


I used to think it was just folks hating black people because of greed, envy, guilt, or whatever excuse there is ..that that's what it was.  Today, I feel as if the real truth has surfaced.  We, black people are looked at as something to hate and fear and the world gives you the old "thumbs up" to feel that way.  It's not about complying, or conforming, or staying lowkey; it's not about being productive, a good citizen, donating, protesting, marching, "playing nice".   It's a deeply ingrained mindset, a belief about and against a group of people, against black people. 


I'm sure you've heard the analogy about the butterfly and spider, where blacks are viewed as most view spiders...that it's ok to be afraid of spiders...and that nobody blames you for that fear.  Except....


I am that spider; my brothers, sisters, children, grandchildren, friends ..we are that spider. What am I supposed to do? What are WE supposed to do?  Even when spiders crawl and exist in their own space, folks seek them out to destroy on sight.  For no reason other than existing.


So, I again I ask...what am I supposed to do?  How do I fix a problem that's not mine?  How do we fix a problem that's not ours?  How do I change your perspective of the spider? 

Contact

I remember when I was much, much younger as an airman stationed overseas.  One night while in my dorm room, I got the distinct feeling someone would be coming to my dorm room door.  Sure enough, after a short while, this young man I kinda-sorta knew, a fellow airman, knocked. 

I was already half asleep as it was pretty late, maybe around 2:00am, but I got up to answer the door.  He had a sad...maybe not sad, but more like yearning look on his face.  And without a word, he came in and we sat side by side on my bed.  He then laid his head on my stomach.  He put his arms around my waist and I draped my arms across his back and we laid like that for a little while.  I think he eventually dozed off for a little while....I think I did too.  After a while, as if the timing was something we'd previously agreed upon, I got up and I walked him to the door and he left. 

If we talked during that time, I don't remember it nor the conversation.  All I knew was he needed some form of connection without judgement.  I don't remember ever talking to him about it later.  It was just a moment.  A pure and innocent moment.