Reflections

In my bathroom there are mirrors all over the place, including the large one that makes up the wall along the length of my bathtub. That was one thing I believe drew me to my home when I was searching…it was different. I also believe that may have been why it was still on the market. Well, that and the fact the previous owners had also had it completely carpeted…with beige carpet. Yeah… But it was different.. and I loved it! I’ve changed the carpet out but the mirrors are still there.

This morning as I was getting out of the shower, I looked over at one of the mirrors. It was the small medicine cabinet mirror that’s perpendicular to the wall of mirror over my double sinks. And I could see myself…my whole self. You may ask, “What’s “note-worthy” about this?” Well, I can remember when I couldn’t see myself.

No, this isn’t a figurative analogy… I literally could not see my face in the mirror. It always seemed to fall right at the crease of the mirrors. When I first noticed, that no matter where I stood in the shower, my face landed between the creases, I just let the memory go. You know how you notice something that feels extremely important, but you talk yourself into believing it’s not a big deal…it’s just coincidence? Only the funny thing is, I didn’t believe in coincidence then and I don’t now. But that’s what I said to myself. I mean, if I stood directly in front of it, yeah, I saw my reflection but how could my face ALWAYS be there, in that crease, no matter where I stood in the shower? Whenever I was completely naked? And I could have sworn I’d been able to see it before…but I talked myself into blocking that thought after a while too.

I remember that time well now. My household had a six-figure income; we were traveling when we wanted to; kids appeared to be doing well; I had a large beautiful AMAZING home, pets, cars. I felt like I was happy. It was probably during the lowest time in my life.

You see, deep down, or maybe not so deep, I knew I was tolerating something I couldn’t live with. I was allowing someone else to crush my spirit, to lower my self-value. I don’t recall exactly when I gave up control of my own happiness but I did.

It was a few years after “losing” my reflection I decided to end my 22+ year marriage. To move from my 5,000+ square foot home, to give up the additional six-figure income having a husband entailed, to give up almost all of my furniture; to give up the certainty, the familiar. That was also when I made the decision to move out of that space in my life. And do you know what? THAT’S when my reflection returned.

To this day, I can’t explain this phenomenon. Yet I totally “get” it. I couldn’t face myself. It was that simple. I couldn’t face the person who allowed the vibrant, full of life, full of hope woman to be totally subdued. I couldn’t face being a participant in degrading me and my position within my family. It was as if I’d become a different person. Temporarily. When I made the conscious decision to save me, oh man….you wouldn’t believe the excitement I felt! The excitement, the relief, the JOY! Even typing that drew a deep in- and exhale from my soul. And to this day I know God was with me and I thank Him.

From the moment I decided to leave, I was able to find a place to live, started a lease mid-month, I got a deep discount with movers, my bank referred me to a financial advisor, WITHOUT my prompting, and believe it or not, I even got help from the IRS! Within two weeks, I was settled.

That started over ten years ago and this is my first time EVER sharing this. For some reason I was compelled to do it TODAY. Someone needs / needed to hear this TODAY.

If you have lost yourself, do whatever it takes, by any means necessary to FIND YOU! It doesn't matter if it's a bad relationship, an unsatisfying job, or the inaction of living your life. Don’t let him / her drown while you look on or look the other way in the attempt to avoid discomfort or whatever it is that’s stopping you. Courage isn’t about NOT being afraid; it’s about doing the right thing even when you are terrified. SAVE YOU!

I’m here if you need to talk; personally or professionally, at RHRNCoaching@gmail.com .